The title of this post has meaning in two ways:
1) I lost all of my previous entries due to lack of foresight in changing domain hosts, so I’m literally starting over;
2) I moved back to my childhood home and have returned to the drawing board (of life).
Am I upset that I failed to save my old blog posts? A little. I thought it was set up well: my declaration to embrace my pan-Asian qualities, some history into my fiendish childhood, and the lamentation of carrying a cultural/child of immigrants burden. I was just beginning to break the ice to establishing what a Rice Cracka is all about.
Well shit, Captain Hindsight, not much we can do at this point. So let’s just keep going. You bitches will all catch onto what I’m about.
So anyway, this is essentially the conversation I’ve had over the past few weeks.
“Oh my god, you’re moving home? Why?”
I got laid off, so…
“*sharp gasp* Awww shit, I’m so sorry to hear that!”
Jesus, I didn’t get into an accident and ended up paralyzed from the waist down. Uh–I mean–yeah, it’s okay. I didn’t like my job anyway.
“Then I guess that’s a mixed blessing. Hey, at least you’ll have free rent!”
Yep, it’s not so bad I guess.
“What are you going to do now?” “What’s your plan?” “Where are you going to look for jobs?”
No idea; going to look for work around LA; maybe graphic design; figure out what I want to do.
“How has living at home been?” “How is back at home?” “How are you doing? How’s home?”
To this, I haven’t given an honest answer, because I’m not sure how to phrase it. “It’s been awesome because I get to be a fat slob and get away with it (for now)”? Or how about, “It’s not so bad, I’ve regressed into adolescent life because I’ve suddenly forgotten all ability to cook or take care of myself”? Maybe, “It’s been pretty chill, I’m pretending to figure out my life when really I’m just jerking off all day”?
Of course, I say these things to no one. I’m not sure what the appropriate response is. Do people expect me to be miserable, like I’m living in a senior home? Am I sick, and people are checking up on me? Actually, why am I thinking so hard about this?
It’s probably because I feel like I constantly need to be “making progress.” If I’m stagnant, I’m useless. Isn’t that how it goes? If you’re not moving and shaking, then maybe there’s something wrong with you.
But when you’ve taken a step or two in the wrong direction, perhaps it’s better to stop and think before you go charging down another path.
At least, that’s what I’m telling myself to feel better about my situation. Losing my job was, actually, the first breath of fresh air from a sickness I never should have had. You might call me overdramatic, shake your head at me like I’m another ungrateful twenty-something-year-old who doesn’t understand how tough life is.
You know what? You’re probably right.
And you know what else? Fuck you.
I’m a twenty-something-year-old, and I’m tired of being told of what’s expected of me. I’m tired of having to spit out a fake timeline to prove to others that I’m not a useless leech of society. I’m tired of being lumped into some fucking lost generation that derps on Facebook and Twitter while drinking some hipster coffee.
We’re all on different paths, some people just have longer, twisted paths while others have short, boring ones.
Anyway! I don’t feel like explaining myself. I simply hope you all can laugh and cry with me as I restart real life and continue to talk about it in my own way. I plan to share my exciting and perhaps not-so-exciting experiences with you, so stay tuned.